a rough day.

"I was incredibly productive around the house last Thursday so was totally ready to enjoy Myles' nap time on Friday; getting a post up and another ready ahead of time to post today.  My photos were taken, ready to be turned into figures for Foodie Friday.  All I needed to do was lay Myles down when he showed signs of being tired and get to work.

He had other plans.

All of a sudden, my waves bye bye when ready to go to his room toddler was crying hysterically when I put him in his crib. We battled it out and he won.  Eventually he fell asleep in my lap for about 15 minutes.  That was the only nap for the day.   Which put and end to our plans to go out for dinner that night.  He then stayed up late; cutting into Kyle and I's precious alone time before Kyle's early bedtime with a 27 hr call day ahead of him.

The next day was sure to be better right?  Oh sure...if you count a total repeat of the day before...except this time he actually stayed asleep for almost an hour in my lap.

Sunday was heaven. He fell asleep in the car on the way home from church, so like a normal day, he stayed asleep as I transferred him to his crib. He napped over 2 hours until we woke him up so we could go out as a family once Kyle woke up.

He slept wonderfully last night, never whimpering in his sleep like he has every night for a week.  So I had high hopes for today.  But it is now 2 pm and he has only had a 5 minute nap in the car. He is completely exhausted but staying busy.  Whining and grabbing me when I go toward his crib.

The only way I am able to write a post now is because I am typing it out on my phone (he attacks my laptop keyboard whenever he sees it)."  

The above section was written in the middle of my meltdown today.  It was not pretty.  I lost my temper several times.  I was a wreck worrying about how this was going to affect my future days.  Sure I can get used to a crappy schedule like this but I'm not the only one that depends on those naps.  Tomorrow is when I meet with my mentors to work through our bible study.  I haven't been able to go back over the material because of this and we try to meet when he is asleep so that we can really dig into the the questions without distraction.  Also, I had tried to do this 30 day yoga challenge, but haven't been able to do it for 3 of the past 4 days.  I really like having that in my day. 

Eventually I did calm down, and since we were OUT of toilet paper, I allowed him to take his paci and blankie to the grocery.  I cancelled plans to serve a local after school program with our small group.  I fixed dinner, and took Myles outside.  I even managed a load of laundry and somewhat decluttered our dining table.  If Myles isn't overly bothered by the lack of nap, then why should I be so affected?

Because I am selfish.  Sure I can be more productive when he is asleep, but him napping also allows me to do stuff that I want to do.  That isn't a bad thing necessarily, but I could do more when he is awake.  And right now I'm just going to have to.  I may not like it, but this is reality right now.  Honestly it is still a pretty easy hard.  It really could be so much worse.  

Even so... I am hoping there is a "reason" for this.  Maybe he is finally getting some molars and instead of being miserable all the time, he just wants extra cuddle time and not to be left alone?  

Its a phase.

Its a phase.

Its a phase.

I'm trying to remind myself of the good moments in these tough days.  How he grabbed my arm this morning on the couch and kissed me over and over again.  How good he really was at the grocery even though I was just waiting for the meltdown to happen.  How he was so happy to explore outside and laid his head on my shoulder and patted my back.  How he found his little horse and made it jump on the walls while I folded laundry.  How he was SO happy to help unload the groceries.  How he kept pushing my face into Kyle's to make us kiss and if I paused long enough I got a few paci kisses from him.   He really is a sweet kid even if he does have a nervous wreck for a mom. 

a calm, good moment after the storm of the rest of the day.

I don't want this space to ever be about me just complaining about stuff, but I also don't want it to only be recipes and outfit choices.  This is real life.  And it is a mess right now.